May 17, 2012

Eyes That Love

There are so many things to let go of.  The one that’s in my face these days is: romance.  I don’t think I understood until very recently that there is a HUGE difference between love and romance.  I think I knew it superficially, but I didn’t completely comprehend it.

Love and romance can exist separately from each other.  One implies being, while the other implies showing…proving.

I had a gap in my life for a very long time.  It was a valley deep and wide where self-love should have reined.  I tried to fill it with so many things: food, alcohol, children and a partner.  The unconscious thinking behind all of this was: these things can love me for me because I am too f-ing scared to do it myself.

Much too scared.

My husband, I know, has felt the pressure to love me for me.  He’s had to look within and wonder why his way of showing up in our relationship just did not seem to be enough.  And it was.  It is.  It always has been.  He has given all he could.

I didn’t.  And I expected more.

Where were the date nights, the flowers, the love notes, the unexpected trips, the poetic speeches?  These were silent expectations mind you which, when unfulfilled, were met with silent resentment.

Healthy!

It wasn’t until I looked myself in the eye and asked: “What have you done for you lately?  How have you shown your love?” that I began to see I needed to nourish myself.  I needed to recognize that I am all there is because everyone else is symbol, an aspect of me.

My task is to heal, forgive and love us all.

Including me.

And then bring it all to the Light and say : Teach me how to see peace and love in everything.  To let go.  And to go back to my life with new eyes…eyes that love, eyes that know.  Not eyes that judge, expect and see only lack.

I can do this.  My husband shows me how to love myself, everyday.  It is a gift.  There are symbols of Love everywhere, when we are willing to see.

I am willing to see and I am willing to know: I am loved.

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May 9, 2012

With Hands Shaking

I was so incredibly close to a binge last week.  I was at the centre.  The end of the road for problems, tasks, help and need…it all seemed to point to me.  My shoulders fell beneath the weight.

And with hands shaking, I saw it.  I saw myself walking down to the kitchen, opening the door of the fridge, the cupboard.  I saw myself thinking, planning, plotting the binge.  I saw it all play out as it has so very many times before.

And with hands shaking, I sat.  Quietly in my room, I sat.  And I asked for help.  Summoning a smidgeon of strength, I looked within and asked for help.

And with hands shaking, I reached.  I reached for my phone and reached out.  I typed, “I am so close to a binge, but the more I type, the further I get from it and the closer to peace I am.”

It is not real, this pain.

Hands stilled, I wiped my eyes, sniffed back the sobs and sighed.

I am at the centre and I choose Love.

Thanks be to God, I chose Love.

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May 2, 2012

Ain’t No Victims ‘Round Here

Three things I know about pain:

1) It’s a call for healing.

2) It’s a call for change

3) You cannot compare yours to someone else’s.

Three things I’ve tried to do about my pain:

1) Ignore it

2) Wallow in it

3) Compare it

Everything that has brought suffering in my life has been, ultimately, good.  I have planted roots with it, reached out and up, scaled new horizons of who I am.  In short, I have grown.

Pain is being pushed into and through the uncomfortable, as yet uncharted waters.  But we are meant to keep going.  We are meant feel it, cloak ourselves in it, keep moving and then emerge anew.  A new you.  Complete with wisdom and humility.  Lessons learned.

But melancholy can get addictive my friends.  We hate feeling the way we do, but at the same time hold fears of feeling better.  Sadness has become the new normal.  What if what lies beyond this is worse somehow?  Mediocre in comparison to my suffering?

Keep breathing.  Keep going.  Keep trusting.

Stay focused on what your lessons are, what you are meant to heal.  Let others do the same.  Be the carrier of compassion, not the whiner who one-ups.

And you will see the light.  You will see it and know it for what it is:  The glow that guided you home.

Because that’s what we do: glimpse the truth until we’re ready to stay.  Round and round we go until we’re ready to stay.

But in the meantime…

Ain’t no victims ’round here.

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April 27, 2012

This Body


They keep telling me to love my body. They make it sound so easy. And there were times when I did. There were times I would see the curve of my hip and smile. Or see my own eyes light up and feel the joy in that. There were times…

I kept hearing I should love my body. As if my body is me. I would hear that I should embrace what I’ve got and strut my stuff without apology. I would hear that. Sometimes, I would do that. And it would feel good for a while….if only for a while.

And then I thought what if I accepted my body? What if I appreciated it for the vehicle that it is? For it is: the medium that carries my spirit. And then, what if I worked on loving me? All of me? What if I looked guilt and shame straight in the eye and saw them for the charlatans they are?

Because somehow I know my body is not me. Somehow I sense that I am bigger than it. And so as I look within and see all that has brought me to this point, I know what is needed. This is a call for love. This is a time for healing. And as the negative emotions are revealed, I wear less of them.

I focus on the light within me. I bring all that appears to be dark to this light. I breathe. I meditate. I pray. The light inside appears to grow. There is a shift. I move more. I eat less. There is a deep love that is cultivated and takes over. My compulsions have less power. The flesh that no longer serves can be shed, or not.

So when I hear I should love my body, I smile. For I do, but this is a result of loving my true self. And the more I recognize that I am NOT my body, the more I appreciate what my body does. It is wholly neutral, a vessel. And as a direct result of loving who I am, my perception of my body catches up. It reflects the peace within and shows up with a smile.

Love is funny like that. It transforms & transcends all in its wake. And I love that.

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April 17, 2012

I Don’t Want To Hear It

“It’s a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear.” ~Dick Cavett

Lately I have had to face and listen to a lot of things that I have not wanted to face and/or listen to.  It’s as if a dam has been broken and I am struggling to keep my head above water amid the flood.  I am swimming in all the things I have been longing to avoid.  And yet when we ask to grow, when we ask to heal, all the gunk at the bottom of the river must rise to the surface.

I am cleaner for it.  I am clearer for it.

It was painful.  I wanted to drown out the noise and keep my hand across my eyes.  Fear ran through my veins and beat loudly in my heart.  I was taken over, taken down.  I was not beaten though.  Rising up, with tear-stained cheeks and a long deep breath, I smiled.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

And I’m still wading through it.  I am treading as best I can and, at times, gasping for air.  Spirit is keeping me afloat and all the while hinting that there is no water to drown me.  One day I’ll see it.  One day I’ll know.

For now though, I see that I can face things I don’t want to face.  I can hear things I don’t want to hear.  I am built for it.  Strong and resilient, gentle and nurturing I stand.  Ready, willing and loved.

I have begun to let go.

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April 10, 2012

What I Really Want

It all comes down to this: I want to be peaceful.  And from this there is no turning back.  I cannot say that I want success, romantic love, wealth or notoriety without feeling that nudge within that says “Really?  Is that what you really want?”  No.  I want peace.  But I will be a witness to everything else that comes.

I will witness the joys and the pains.  I will witness the reunions and the separations.  I will see it all with a compassionate, knowing eye and the truth will remain that peace is what I want.

So, is desiring to be successful a bad thing?  Is desiring to have romance in my life a cop-out?  No.  But if I am attached to having those things…if I make my happiness contingent on their being there then I am so incredibly screwed.  And I don’t want that.

I want the serenity of knowing that I am here to learn and to forgive, nothing more.  But I also know that I can be joyful.  I can indulge my preferences.  I can allow Danielle to be Danielle while understanding that my name, my body is not my truth.

There is so much more than this.  The love and the peace that pulses patient and strong around us is always there, waiting…knowing.

It calls us home in a loving whisper, arms wide open, ready to welcome us back to the place we never left.

I want that.

And it sure as heck, ain’t here.

But I’m remembering… ♥

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April 4, 2012

Gravy

“We can figure this out,” I said to the man before me and then felt a gentle tug in the back of my mind.

Not really, it said.

And it was just this morning that I understood.  When I attempt to “figure out” something that is not working, not flowing in my life, I am armed with ego from head to toe.  I am led down countless unnecessary paths of thorns only to end up back right where I started.  I need to take a backseat to my life and hire a new navigator, for I am indeed lost.

But I am willing to be found.

So easily I become addicted to the struggle.  It can be fun to have problems!  People are concerned, I get attention, I start feeling the love.  Temporarily I feel better because at least I’m not in denial right?  Accepting what is, that is a beautiful first step.  Surrendering what is, that is the next and often the most difficult step.

Faith is not built on blindness.  Those of us who have faith have seen the miracles before.  We have borne witness to our own compassionate transformations, the peace and the beauty.

I cannot, but God can.

When I let go, God just is.

The rest is just gravy ♥

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March 27, 2012

Walk Me Home

“We’re all just walking each other home.” ~Ram Dass

Our common thread is our light, the light of God.  The connection between us is overwhelmingly palpable at times, and yet at others it is painfully out of reach.  The yearning to be loved, to be noticed, to be understood is so human and yet so far from who we really are.  Spirit is.  It just is.  But that just seems too simple.  We keep believing happiness must be much more complicated than that.

And so we judge.  We compare, make fun and accuse.  We, forgetting our unity, try to “get ahead” to prove our worthiness.  We try to win points with God while He’s decided long ago we are equal.  We are so blind, so unaware, so asleep.

It takes courage to wake up.  And it takes compassion to remember we all wake up in our own ways.  What would bring me to my knees may be merely a bad day for you.  And what would fill you up to your most joyous full could simply make me smile.  Such is the nature of this world.  A swirling swamp of highs and lows designed to keep us busy.  But it can carry us home too…

You are the dreamer.  You are the decider.  By giving each hurt, each high, each sweetheart and each nasty guy over to the Light you awaken.  We are teachers and we are students.  We learn from one another.  We huddle together in a loving embrace keen on being reminded.  We are all simply walking each other home.

Take my hand.

And I’ll take yours.

I am ready.

Walk me home.

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March 20, 2012

Peace is My Trampoline

I spend so much time in the air, grasping at clouds, ducking from rain.  I forget: Peace is my trampoline.

I focus on the bounce and not the solid surface below on which I land, every time.  Without fail….every time.

There is nothing except that which lies beneath.  The rest is a misty dream, random and obscured.

I can stop jumping.  Any day now, I could stop.

But I keep fearing the drop…keep thinking that the ground will disappear and I will sink.

Further and further I will sink,

So I think.

<sigh>

I’ll jump slowly.  I’ll take Someone with me.  I’ll remember I am not alone.

And I’ll witness the clouds, the sun and the rain.

I will breathe with clarity and deliberation, forgive the highs, the lows

And everything in between.

In short, I will remember

That peace is my trampoline.

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March 13, 2012

Remind Me

Are there examples of pure, untarnished love in this world?  Is it possible?  Perhaps not perfect and sustained love, but there are flashes.  There are blips, clear and bright.  They remind us.  They call to us in a smiling whisper with winking eyes and patient hearts.

You never left…

I love him in a way I cannot express.  I love him for the fullness of who he is.  I see his soul: silent, complete, unyielding.  Letting him go is not easy.  Indeed, this could be the hardest thing I ever do.

And I could run, I could.  I could scream out loud and wave my finger, but I will not.  All that rises up is love.  I swear it.  All that rises up is love and with it, tears at times.  Because letting go is sad and scary.

Yet I hear the whispers, see the winks and feel that soft place to land as if it were already beneath my feet.

You never left...

And yet I hold him.  And who we are together will change.  In this world of conditional love, I cannot give unto him fully by hanging on.  Am I ready for this?   I say to him “Things are shifting so fast”.  He nods in a way that tells me he’s sorry.

But the softness beyond says all is well.  He never left.

Beyond the place where we let things go is the place where everything already just is.  All the comfort, the peace and the love is there.  I see flashes and blips in the dream and the hope is that I will wake up.

But it’s not just hope.  How can it be?

I never left.

And all this is here to remind me: I never left.

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