Food has been an addiction of mine. I realize as I type this that there are many friends and family who do not know these things about me. They may be shocked, but this is my secret to reveal. I reveal it with love. I reveal it in the knowledge that I have healed myself and now perhaps, others.
I remember the first time I felt self-conscious about my body. I was 10 years old. A boy I liked teased me about my hips, of which I had been blissfully unaware. Hips? Yeah, what about them? Apparently, they were too big. Already at that tender age was ingrained in me a need to be good. I had to get A’s. I had to please my parents and teachers. That’s what love was. Love was approval.
This need for approval stalked me through my teenage years and crept into my 20s. At the age of 15 I began binging and purging. There was such peace in feeling full and satisfied with food in my belly. It took my mind away from my fearful thoughts. That was another misguided understanding of love, internal love. Feeling full felt like love…from the inside.
But the feelings of shame and inadequacy would eventually take over and so up it would come. It was a constant battle for internal love (binging & feeling full) and external love & approval (purging). I was a mess. I confided in only a handful of people…even my doctor, but the battle raged on for years with varying degrees of fervour.
Bulimia is chaos and control all at once. It blurs the mind and blocks the soul. I imagine this is true for all disorders, but I can only speak as I find. My body has been in dire need of healing for many years now. Marred by self-loathing and neglect, it has nevertheless served me well. And only recently have I been able to pull myself out of an ungracious fog and give thanks. I forced myself to love me. I got down on my knees. I wept. I asked for a miracle. “Help me to see who I really am and to love her!”
With affirmations, prayer and meditation, I have been led through the mist to the clear, loving light of day. I love myself. This is real love. This is our truth. Our natural state is Love. I look into the mirror, deep into my eyes and I see me. I say “I see you and I love you.”. No one else can do that for me.
Sappy though it sounds, I am saved. I now love myself too much to live unconsciously. I love myself too much not to nourish my body. When I think of all the crazy, misguided thoughts that led me to abuse my body so awfully, my eyes water with sadness and yet, gratitude. I am thankful for the journey for it has led me here. And as you read this, know that I am happy. I am loved. I am nourished. I am safe.