January 27, 2011 by danielleboonstra
I can’t believe I did it again. What was I thinking? I am 31 years old! When does it stop??!!
It’s done. Forgive yourself.
What do I do now? I’m a fraud. I’m ridiculous…pathetic. I’m so tempted…
We don’t do that anymore. You know that.
I’m scared. I’m frightened about what this means. I thought I was beyond this.
You’re going to have moments like this. Forgive yourself. Let love in. Let me in. Listen to me.
I can barely hear you. I need to breathe. I can’t hear you when I breathe deeply. This room feels so small.
I’ll wait for you. You’re worth waiting for.
This is what darkness feels like. It’s so much more than the absence of light; it is the absence of life! I don’t know who I am anymore.
You are love. You are beauty. You are compassion.
I can hear you. I know what you say is true, but I can’t do it right now. I just can’t do it right now…
You’ll discover I am a model of patience.
How can I pretend to help anyone else when I can’t help myself? Who do I think I am?
You are an innocent child of God who has forgotten, for a moment, who she is. You help countless others with your honesty, your kindness and your wisdom. Remember where you were and then see how far you have come. This is a lesson in forgiveness my child, nothing more. You are learning well.
I cannot cry about this anymore. There’s too much to do. I’m a mother, a wife, a friend.
Be a friend to yourself.
I hear you.
Ask for help.
Do I really deserve it though after what I’ve done?
Yes. Ask for help.
“Please help me remember who I am. May I forgive myself. May I begin to see myself with the eyes of Love. May my hunger be fed, my mind cleansed, my spirit renewed.”
And so it is…
I feel it. It’s starting. This is what light feels like….a gentle swaddle of Love. I remember now. It’s good to be back.
Danielle, you never left.