“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.” ~Mary Pickford, actress & brilliant Canadian

I wasn’t expecting this.  I keep falling.  Apparently it’s not enough that I tortured myself for a decade and a half.  It seems there is some sick part of me that keeps wanting to appear in my weakest moments.  Lately, she’s been relentless.

And I keep failing.  I mess it up.  All this work I’ve done, has it been for nothing?  Have I surrendered my being in vain?  I want to cry in these moments.  I want to lash out!  And sometimes I do.  I still yell at times and I feel it within me…it’s a cry, a cry for love.  In that moment where all feels lost, where I feel like I’ve fallen much too far, like I’ve failed everyone…there is a voice.

It tells me I am loved.  It tells me I am forgiven.  It tells me that none of this is real.  It reminds me I am learning.  It reminds me of how much I have healed.  And then suddenly, like a gust of wind through an opened space, my own wisdom blows over me.  It whips through my hair and hikes up my skirt.  This is who you are.

Ahhh…thank-you…

The voice is louder and quicker these days.  That’s what prayer does.  That’s what meditation does.  That’s what Love does.

It’s not easy to admit I still stumble.  There are times when I’d much rather tell you how awesome I am…how I “get it” all the time and that it’s easy and it can be easy for you too!  But that’s not my experience and I will only share that which is true for me.

So yes I keep falling, but I know somehow it’s ok.  Because in the falling I learn, but in the getting up I teach.

 

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