“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.” ~Mary Pickford, actress & brilliant Canadian
I wasn’t expecting this. I keep falling. Apparently it’s not enough that I tortured myself for a decade and a half. It seems there is some sick part of me that keeps wanting to appear in my weakest moments. Lately, she’s been relentless.
And I keep failing. I mess it up. All this work I’ve done, has it been for nothing? Have I surrendered my being in vain? I want to cry in these moments. I want to lash out! And sometimes I do. I still yell at times and I feel it within me…it’s a cry, a cry for love. In that moment where all feels lost, where I feel like I’ve fallen much too far, like I’ve failed everyone…there is a voice.
It tells me I am loved. It tells me I am forgiven. It tells me that none of this is real. It reminds me I am learning. It reminds me of how much I have healed. And then suddenly, like a gust of wind through an opened space, my own wisdom blows over me. It whips through my hair and hikes up my skirt. This is who you are.
The voice is louder and quicker these days. That’s what prayer does. That’s what meditation does. That’s what Love does.
It’s not easy to admit I still stumble. There are times when I’d much rather tell you how awesome I am…how I “get it” all the time and that it’s easy and it can be easy for you too! But that’s not my experience and I will only share that which is true for me.
So yes I keep falling, but I know somehow it’s ok. Because in the falling I learn, but in the getting up I teach.