June 27, 2011 by danielleboonstra
I have, it seems, no problem giving of myself. I give my love, my energy, my time away so easily to what I believe to be a worthy cause. This is not my problem. I am not stingy in this area of my life at all. The problem, it appears, is in receiving. For some reason (<cough>..unworthiness!) I have trouble receiving all good things that are always flowing to me. I have become the dam that blocks my own flow. Ugh.
It’s wonderful and all that I am a nice and kind person. It’s not so wonderful, nor very healthy, that I am not allowing the Universe to be nice back to me. This is how resentment is created. Indeed, this is what burns a girl out! I give and give and give until one day I wake up with an incredible feeling of a void within. I panic. I cry out. How did this happen?!! How can I fill this void up again and quick?!!
Well let’s see… I could eat. I could drink a box of wine. I could have sex, buy something I can’t afford, send a bunch of texts to make sure people still love me….etc.
OR!… I could breathe. I could sit and breathe for a few minutes and focus on my heart. I could see love & light pouring into my heart and feel the peace in that. I could pray…ask for healing. I could write it all down and allow the expressive, creative process to bring me clarity. I could intend…intend that I will do this differently. I could ask for a miracle, a shift in perception, and ask that I be open to receiving…to see myself as worthy and to receive the good that is coming to me with love, gratitude and an open heart.
I like the latter. The former leaves me feeling icky and gross and utterly unloved. It’s getting to the no-brainer stage, but I still have trouble sometimes. There are times when: I still lose my cool; I still eat when I’m not hungry; I still feel sorry for myself when I don’t hear back immediately from a friend. This is the shit that I work on day in and day out.
My job is to remember who I am. And every time I glimpse my greatness I shed a little light for you too. I open myself up to abundance and miracles. I feel full. I stay calm. I let others be as they are. In short, I do as Love does. With that, I can’t go wrong.