Anyone who grew up with me will tell you that I could laugh at myself to a point. I could take a joke for about 30 seconds before it just wasn’t funny anymore and I’d suddenly get all intense and sullen. I did not like being laughed at. I did not like being a target for ridicule. It bothered me. A lot.
At the time I don’t remember thinking that I was afraid or anxious. I just remember thinking: “Doesn’t this person know how sensitive I am? I mean, how could they say that?!!” I now realize that sensitive was just a way of describing how fearful I was surrounding the opinions of others. All I could think about was what everyone was saying about in front of and behind my back! Looking back now though, I realize my fear was all about believing that in that moment I was somehow unloved and alone.
I was always so afraid to make mistakes that I feel as though I never actually enjoyed any of my accomplishments. My focus was on finishing a task by either doing exceptionally well, or by skating by unnoticed. Just don’t mock me, just don’t say I screwed up…. As long as I could avoid that, I would sigh with relief.
What I am learning now is that the more love & appreciation I show for myself, the easier it is to laugh at the stupid shit I do. The more I look for love & approval outside of myself, the more I echo to the world that I do not possess it within. It all begins with me. I show the world how to treat me.
And I do plenty of stupid things! Like trying to juice green onions…or wearing cheap thigh-highs to my husband’s work function. There is no shortage of material. And it’s all good. Life is funny. And when we laugh at something that our ego would otherwise love to exploit, it loses its power. Big time. So chuckle up!