So this is what it feels like to fall. To leap from a cliff not knowing how deep the water will be. This is what it feels like to drop.

I did not want this.  I was happy touting faith and letting go as the only sane approaches to living in this world; I did not desire reasons to use them myself.  And now, it seems, I have no choice.  There is no going back this time.  The rubber has officially met the road.

And though I say I did not want this, at some level I was willing to accept that I needed this.  I needed to see where I was mistaken, where I was fearful, where I was resistant.  It is as if I said to Spirit: “You can have that, that and that, but this?! No, this I keep for me.  I need this.”

But heaven help me, that is not how it works.  We are, all of us, being called to say: “I trust in You and I surrender all.”

Even as I type that I get anxious.  I fear by letting go that something bad will happen.  My belief in my innate guilt is so thick and fertile that I am certain my punishment is inevitable.  If I let go and give this to God, I will surely suffer.

Except that suffering is exactly what I am doing now.

Hold me. Remind me. Love me.  I am getting there.  Though my throat still tightens and my eyes still well up, I feel the gradual easing of my grip.  I am almost there.  Ready to leap, let go and trust without fear of falling.

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