So this is what it feels like to fall. To leap from a cliff not knowing how deep the water will be. This is what it feels like to drop.
I did not want this. I was happy touting faith and letting go as the only sane approaches to living in this world; I did not desire reasons to use them myself. And now, it seems, I have no choice. There is no going back this time. The rubber has officially met the road.
And though I say I did not want this, at some level I was willing to accept that I needed this. I needed to see where I was mistaken, where I was fearful, where I was resistant. It is as if I said to Spirit: “You can have that, that and that, but this?! No, this I keep for me. I need this.”
But heaven help me, that is not how it works. We are, all of us, being called to say: “I trust in You and I surrender all.”
Even as I type that I get anxious. I fear by letting go that something bad will happen. My belief in my innate guilt is so thick and fertile that I am certain my punishment is inevitable. If I let go and give this to God, I will surely suffer.
Except that suffering is exactly what I am doing now.
Hold me. Remind me. Love me. I am getting there. Though my throat still tightens and my eyes still well up, I feel the gradual easing of my grip. I am almost there. Ready to leap, let go and trust without fear of falling.