Slowly, slowly I am leaving pain behind. Knowing, knowing it was always in my mind.
Last night I attended my 12-Step meeting. I had not been in a long time, but a client cancelled and I took it as a sign to get myself there, sit down and listen. It was powerful and moving. We were a room full of people in various stages of recovery. We felt broken, unwell, hopeful and content. It was mish mash of emotion and I soaked it all in.
At one point or another I have been where everyone was last night. I have witnessed the ebb and flow of my own journey with sometimes compassionate and sometimes horrified eyes. I wanted this whole mess to be about weight, but it isn’t. I wanted it to be about physical health, but it isn’t. This journey is about letting go and letting God. And last night I realized I have done that (at least a little bit) and have seen the results of it.
Last night while we were reading the Big Book, it dawned on me that I have not had the urge to purge in months. Months! This is a miracle. Though I have been abstinent (no binges or purges) since June 2011, the thoughts were still there. Those thoughts had been hard wired into my being since I was fifteen years old, so to be able to say that I have not felt the impulse to purge in months is HUGE.
And the only part for which I can take any credit is my willingness. Spirit did the rest.
I still have thoughts of a binge. They dance around me whispering promises of peace until I breathe them out and give them to God. There is still a rawness about all of this that can bring me to tears in seconds. It is a wound in the midst of healing.
But I am willing to let it go.
And slowly, slowly I will leave the pain behind. Knowing, knowing it was always in my mind.