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My ideas of happiness are small. I base them on my tiny experiences within my little world of trying to please all the people around me. I think I know what’s best for me, but, alas, most of the time I don’t have a clue.

The things that I think will make me happy usually revolve around getting more: more money, more things, more love. I want people to compliment my house, my body, my children, my travels, my work. In short, my quest for joy usually rests on seeing it outside of myself. I feel a gaping hole within so I try to fill it with other people’s love.

The main problems with this are: a) everyone else is doing the same thing which means we’re all running around looking for love from one another and not seeing it in ourselves, which brings us to b) Love can only be found within…where God is.

There is no gaping hole. There is only Love…only God. But to see this I have to let go of all the things I think will make me happy slowly and honestly. And I have to be willing to recognize all the road blocks I’ve built to avoid this perfect Love within. I need to be open to seeing that much of the time I’d rather be miserable than content. I do that because at some level I believe that is what I deserve.

Yikes.

Thank goodness we don’t have to go it alone. There is an Inner Teacher waiting patiently in the walls of the hearts of each an every one of us. He helps us let go, helps us see the Truth, helps us accept the Love that is our birthright.

Phew.

There is a lesson in A Course in Miracles that goes: “I do not perceive my own best interests.” I am beginning to feel that it’s true. My way kinda sucks. Letting go, while difficult at first, feels better than holding on.  And so I am starting to give my interests over to One Who knows so much more than I.

It’s a beginning. I have one toe in the water. He’ll pull me through slowly. He’ll show me what happiness can be….what it always has been.

I will remember what happiness is.

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